


it feels like i'm drowning

by gingerbread man (xphantomhive)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, M/M, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Intentions, Triggering Material, rated m for heavy content, suicidal thoughts/feelings/actions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-18
Updated: 2016-05-18
Packaged: 2018-06-09 07:40:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6895891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xphantomhive/pseuds/gingerbread%20man
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>maybe this won't be the end of my story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	it feels like i'm drowning

You pick at your lips a lot.

Rose keeps telling you that one of these days your lips are going to get infected, but you don’t listen to her. You bite your nails a lot, too. Sometimes you bite them so far down that they bleed. Rose tells you that they’re going to get infected, too. You think it’s because you’re anxious a lot. After the game ended, you didn’t have anything to focus on, so you started focusing on other things. Like all of the people that are always around you. Like the fact that you can’t socialize with other people without feeling like you’re going to have a heart attack. Your hands shake a lot. You can’t calm yourself down.

You try to focus on other things so you don’t focus on how much you want to die. You try to focus on your relationship with Dave and not the fact that you wanted to swallow a bottle of pills a couple of weeks ago. You try to focus on Rose, Jade, and Kanaya’s polyamorous clusterfuck (as Dave would put it) and not the fact that you were a few seconds from swallowing the pills, that you had them uncapped and in your hand and to your mouth. You try to pick your lips and bite your nails so that you don’t focus on how anxious you always are. You don’t care if either of them get infected, you care about feeling calm.

“John,” Rose says. You snap out of your trance and bring yourself back to the real world. You’re supposed to be knitting with Rose. It helps you keep your mind away from the negative thoughts. You’re trying to find a happy place, and you’ve decided it’s in Dave’s arms. But Dave’s at work right now, so you decided to go to your second happy place; spending time with Rose. “Are you alright? You seem to be zoning out quite a lot.”

“I’m fine, Rose,” you respond, even though you’re breaking at the seams. You don’t want anyone to know. You’d rather keep it to yourself. “Just unfocused, I guess.”

You don’t always just pick your lips and bite your nails. Sometimes you scratch your arms and bite yourself. Some days you pinch yourself, some you pull your hair. It all depends on how your day went. Though, none of your days have really seemed to go well the past couple of weeks, but you digress. You tug your sleeves down over your arms and keep knitting. You’d decided to knit Rose a scarf, but you haven’t told her that. You want it to be a surprise.

Dave comes home around seven, and you finish up Rose’s scarf so you can see him. When she takes it, she smiles and thanks you, and something in her eyes almost makes you think she can tell what’s wrong with you. You think the game has something to do with how you feel. You watch a movie with Dave and you don’t even care when he makes fun of it; you’re just happy that you’re around him. You start biting your nails halfway through.

“Stop that,” Dave says, but you don’t. “John, dude. Stop. That’s not good for you.”

You stop.

You wait until Dave looks away and then you start picking at your lips. You just feel so _anxious._ You don’t know how to stop it, either. You wonder if it has something to do with the game. You wonder if you’re still in game mode. You wonder if your body isn’t going to let you rest until you’re back to playing the game. You think about how you have to go out with Dave tomorrow, and you almost have a panic attack just thinking about it. You don’t know if you can do it. You’re going to try anyway. Spending time with Dave makes you happy, if only for a short time.

You go to bed anxious that night. It isn’t the first time, and you doubt it’s going to be the last. You’re in your happy place, though, so you count that as a win. You don’t fall asleep until one a.m. You haven’t been able to sleep the same in a few weeks. Months, really. But that’s okay, you’ll deal with it. You don’t mind. You have to get up at six a.m. the next day, but you don’t mind. You don’t really mind much anymore. You don’t really mind if you exist or not, either.

The next day, you go shopping with Dave. You have a panic attack when the person at the checkout talks to you. Your hands shake the entire way home, and Dave grabs one over the gear shaft. “It’s okay, John,” he says. You can tell he’s losing it because you are. His hands are shaking, too. “You’re fine, okay? We’re gonna get you to Rose and ask her what’s wrong.”

Oh, right. You forgot that Rose got a degree and that she’s a therapist. All you can think about is that Rose is doing a lot better than you. By the time you get to her house, you’re still shaking, and Dave is too. You wonder if it’s sympathy shakes. You wonder if he’s going to have a panic attack out of sheer sympathy for you. You step inside of the place where Rose works, and Dave jiggles his leg in the waiting room. You pick your lips. You don’t think you’re supposed to walk into a place like this without an appointment.

Rose opens her office door after you wait for ten minutes. “Dave? John?”

“Rose,” Dave breathes. You look away from her. “He had a panic attack in the grocery store. What’s wrong with him?”

There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re perfectly fine.

“I knew something was wrong with him,” she responds. “Can you roll up your sleeves for me, John?”

You roll up your sleeves. There’s only one mark on your wrist. You tried to cut once, but you didn’t think Dave would want you to do that, so you stopped. “I’m no doctor, but I’d say you have depression and anxiety, John.”

You start crying.

You have broken, and Dave and Rose are there to pick up the pieces.

**Author's Note:**

> this was really personal for me. i was basically projecting my thoughts and feelings on to my favorite character. yes, i _have_ done all of the things john does in this, and i pretty much feel the same way constantly. i'm doing better though, and i'm in therapy.
> 
> i hope you enjoyed this. i know it was sad and on a heavy topic, but i needed to get my feelings out the only way i know how; writing. especially writing johndave fanfiction. that's how i feel better. that's my happy place.
> 
> if you've ever felt like this, please get help. i know what it's like. i felt it for six years. i self-harmed for seven.  
> if you're ever anxious, try to go to a place where you're happy. i'm anxious constantly. happy places work, trust me.  
> suicide hotline: 1 (800) 273-8225.  
> there are several self-harm hotlines. all you have to do is look it up.
> 
> please, don't let yourself suffer. you're more than you think you are. you mean something to me, even if you mean nothing to yourself. <3


End file.
